You've Been Warned!
Dear Red States:If you manage to steal this election, too, we've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren't aware, that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois, and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to our new country: Neuvo California.
To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma, and all the old Slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom. We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss. We get 85% of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama. We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the Red States pay their fair share.
Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22% lower than the Christian Coalition, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.
Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq, at once! If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that those WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire.
With the Blue States we have firm control of 80% of the country's fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce, 92% of the nation's fresh fruit, 95% of America's quality wines, 90% of all cheese, 90% of the high tech industry, 95% of the corn and soybeans, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Stanford, Cal Tech, UCLA, Berkeley and MIT.
With the Red States you will have to cope with 88% of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92% of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99% of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson, and the University of Georgia. We get Hollywood and Yosemite. Thank you.
Additionally, 38% of those in the Red States believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62% believe life is sacred (unless we're discussing the war, the death penalty, or gun laws), 44% say that evolution is only a theory, 53% say that Saddam was involved in 9/11, and 61% of you crazies believe you are people with higher morals than we Lefties.
Peace out, The Blue States
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posted by TheOldMan @ 2:02 PM
